12/7/09

The most apparent thing is that I'm flustered. First, I'm a bit perturbed about being on the low end of the economic ladder. I've been a member of this class for all of my life. I don't feel blame, nor do I give any to my mother. She couldn't possibly be the reason for our situation. She's done everything she can to provide me with the most impressionable and openhearted existence. She's everything to me and my struggle to keep moving forward. It's incredibly amazing to me how well she adapts to each problem or obstacle. We live hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck, and it's been like that for as long as I can remember. And the pressure is something I've grown accustomed to. I guess being thrifty and maintaining a budget will come in handy when it comes to managing my own finances. But what's crazy is that I've been thrown into the jowls of the already failing system. I applied for Social Security Income and got denied. Surprisingly, I was hurt. But my mother reassured me that that's how the process of filing for anything federal seems to go. I was then obligated to file an appeal. The notice of denial actually made me want to leave EastConn and start working full time. But then I realized I need to finish getting my diploma. It's so hard expressing myself while having this large portion of my recent history thwarted by illusions and ideas that would only thrive in science fiction novels. I'm still unsure about how long my mental episodes went on for.One of the hardest things for me is not being able to explain what happened to me. In some respects, I'm lifeless; lacking the ability to remember anything about that section of my life. That's one of the many good reasons my mother is my mother. She's my conservator, which means she's in charge of my finances until I'm sure that I can handle it on my own. For those who don't know, I was diagnosed with a mood and thought disorder. I am living with anxiety and a controlled case of schizophrenia. What I hope is that through all of my struggles, I'm able to find some sense of creative individuality. I want to harvest my uniqueness and use that as a base to live and prosper from. I know I have so many blessings and things that I could share with the world. I only hope that my will and ambition will be in sync for when my stage is set. I lose focus and it get's on my nerves how sloppy my brain gets. Reading and writing should help to sharpen my mind and mental conception.